Monthly Archives: February 2016

Successful Parenting?

18 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by in A Mama's Heart

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Ever since I posted my last blog about Leaving a Legacy (click here to read it), it’s haunted me. I’ve learned when something doesn’t sit right in my spirit, when I just can’t get peace, I need to find out what’s wrong.

It didn’t take long to figure out why I’m unsettled. It’s the last paragraph. I basically said I’ll consider myself a success if my children turn out to be successful.

On the one hand, who wouldn’t want that!? Who doesn’t want to raise kids to be good people? happy? successful? Who says, “Heck no! I want my kids to lead miserable, dead end lives, full of regret and treat people like crap!”? No parent I know.

But what if, just what if, my kids don’t live up to that? What if they don’t end up with what I consider successful lives? Does that then mean I wasn’t successful at parenting them? What is the measure of successful parenting? What if they don’t turn out right? What if they live in pain and disappointment? What if they don’t walk with God? Will it be all my fault?

And what if they are successful, godly, moral, stable, well adjusted people with happy all-American lives? Can I then take all the credit?

As a new mom, I read every book on parenting I could find. I studied and worried, prayed and obsessed. I religiously did everything the experts said to do and not do. The problem with that is expert advice changes from generation to generation.

My mother said her doctor told her it was perfectly fine to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day when she was pregnant with me — it couldn’t hurt the baby. When I was born he said NOT to nurse me, but to give me Carnation (evaporated milk) in a bottle — it was better for the baby than mother’s milk.

Something told her that couldn’t be right about breast feeding, and she nursed me against medical advice. But she kept smoking. She’d brush the ashes off my little baby blanket as I nursed, choking on second hand smoke. Maybe that’s why I have such bad acid reflux . . .   

Keep in mind that at one time, doctors thought it was a good idea to put leeches on people when they were sick . . .

My point is, the current trends aren’t necessarily perfect knowledge. One day we might very well look back and be shocked at what we did, thinking we were doing what was best for our children.

It’s funny what sticks in your mind, but I actually remember what I was thinking when I took this picture on an unseasonably warm afternoon in November 1997:

Remember this snapshot in time. Soak in their innocence. They haven’t been pressured to try drugs or alcohol. They haven’t had their hearts broken by their first love. They haven’t stressed out over the SAT, college acceptance or class rank. They don’t know prejudice and injustice. They haven’t yet buried a grandparent, or lost a friend in a car wreck. They don’t yet know the world can be a hurtful, scary place. They’re just happy to play outside with their dog. 

kids with kodiak

I would have given anything in the world to protect them from those things. I knew I couldn’t, and it broke my heart.

Although I don’t think you stop parenting your children when they’re grown up, I also know they’re past their formative years and I can’t go back and fix any of my screw-ups. I don’t get a Mulligan or a do-over.

After your kids are grown, and you look back at all your mistakes, and you start to feel overwhelming guilt, it helps to remind yourself of these things:

— You’re not the only influence in your children’s lives. It’s not all about you. A lot of other things jacked your kids up too!

— You’re not responsible for their choices. You can’t choose their paths for them, and you shouldn’t even if you could. They deserve the dignity of living their own lives, and making their own mistakes.

— Your view of success isn’t necessarily the best for them. Like the doctor who told my mom she could smoke while she was pregnant and nursing, you could be clueless to how wrong you are.

If you’re like me and you worry about what they’re doing, if they’re making good choices, if they’re truly happy, how they’ll make ends meet, take heart. Whatever is happening with them right now is just a snapshot of their lives. Who they are today isn’t necessarily who they will be. You grew up a lot after you were officially grown up, and they will too.

I don’t remember which James Dobson book this came from, and trust me, I read them all, but it made a real impact on me. I’ve tried to hang on to this concept. It’s not word for word, but this was the general idea:

Adam and Eve had the perfect environment. Perfect genetics. No mother-in-law trouble. No distractions like TV or social media. No work or financial stress. Most importantly, they had the perfect Parent. He never lost his cool with them, forgot to wash their baseball uniforms, never burned dinner, or missed their awards ceremony at school.

Yet Adam and Eve sinned. They made bad choices, and they had to face the consequences of those choices. Proof positive that you can do it all right, and your kids are still going to fall and make mistakes — we can’t protect them from their humanity.

I think the only conclusion we can draw is this:

We all do the best we can with the information we have.

Give your children your best efforts, and hope and pray they aren’t so jacked up that they’ll turn out to be kindhearted, generous, hard working, happy, moral, godly and content people.

Cut yourself some slack. We should neither take all the credit when our children are successful in the world’s eyes, nor take all the blame when they’re not. Sometimes you do good to make it through the day without choking your teenage son. Remember, success is a relative term.

 

 

Leaving a Legacy

12 Friday Feb 2016

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Here are a few of my most valued possessions. This quilt rack is proudly displayed in our bedroom.

quilts

The two on front and back left were hand stitched by my Grandma Bunton, probably somewhere in the 1950’s.

Both the quilts on the right were made for me by my Mama. The front one is also hand stitched — not a sewing machine touched it, and it took her two years. The back one is made from scrap pieces of the clothes she made for me when I was little — Holly Hobbie smocks, cotton dresses and polyester pantsuits. I remember each outfit with love.

The one in the back middle was made by my daughter, Lindsey for her senior project in high school. I’m incredibly proud she would want to continue a family tradition. Four generations of quilting hang on this rack.

If the house was on fire, after making sure all family and pets were safe, I’d grab this treasure on the way out.

My daddy was a wood worker. When they tore down his home place, “The Old House” as we called it, he took some of the boards off the walls first. The wood was so old it was almost petrified. He said he tore up several bands from his planer trying to sand it down.

Beside me and my beautiful daughter Kaitlyn is the cabinet he made me from those boards. He’s been gone nearly 10 years now, and my grandparents have been gone decades. Priceless doesn’t begin to describe it. I wouldn’t sell this for all the money in the world.

cabinet

When I’m gone, my children will be left with quilts and furniture from their grandparents and great grandparents, and I think they’ll appreciate it — if for no other reason than they know how much it meant to me. But if that’s all I leave them, I’ve failed as their mother. I want them to have so much more than family heirlooms.

Not to be morbid or anything, but I’m going to die one day. And Lord, please, let me die before any of our children. I want to leave them what thieves and moths can’t steal and destroy.  I want to leave them a legacy.

Here are just a few things I consider a legacy worth leaving — not just for them, but the generations that follow them. I’m going to be a grandmother in a few short months, and I’ve got a lot of dreams for that sweet little one.

A legacy of love. Crazy-like, unconditional love. I didn’t just love them when they were lovable. I loved them when they were throwing temper tantrums, messing up my clean house, sassing me, and getting in trouble. As I read to them every night, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be.

A legacy of provision. May they remember I put their needs above mine — not just financially, but emotionally and physically. From midnight feedings and changed diapers, to being grade mother in their classes, to planning their weddings, sending them to college, and giving tax advice.

A legacy of wisdom. I allowed my children to feel the consequences of their choices, both good and bad. Although it nearly killed me, I let them feel the pain of disappointment and disobedience. It makes them good people. Many times, I shut my door and cried to see them hurting, but if it was best for them, I let pain do it’s work.

A legacy of expectation. I didn’t demand all A’s, perfection on the ball field, or anywhere else. It didn’t matter how well they did, as long as they did their best. I didn’t push for success in the world’s eyes. I expected effort. Refusing to try wasn’t an option.

A legacy of dependability. The world is a crazy place. You just never know what’s going to happen. People come and go. Children need stability. I hope they saw me be the same person at home as I was everywhere else, day in and day out. They need to know their parents are always there when doubt and fear assails.

A legacy of an example. I’ve never bought into the “do as I say, not as I do” line of thinking. Sure, there are things adults get to do that kids can’t, but providing them an example of how to behave is the least I can do for them.Their personalities differ from mine in many areas, but kindness, honesty, integrity, and keeping your word should be how everyone lives.

A legacy of Jesus. May they know, deep down inside, that they are so loved, so wanted, so precious to God, that there is nothing they can do to slip from His grasp or His grace. I pray I have passed His love, faithfulness and goodness to them, like Psalm 78:4 instructs us,

We’re not keeping this to ourselves,
    we’re passing it along to the next generation—
God’s fame and fortune,
    the marvelous things he has done.

I guess time will tell if I was successful or not, and I may not know in my lifetime. Although my relationship with them has morphed into more of a friendship nature now that they’re adults, when they were young, they didn’t need another friend. They had plenty of those. They needed a mom, not another buddy. My intention was never to be the coolest, hippest mom, and I’m sure they’d all agree I probably wasn’t. That’s okay with me.

If my children are as kind and respectful to the waitress as they are to their boss, if they love and honor God and people, if they walk in the grace and mercy of the Lord, uphold justice and fight for goodness, if they’re honest and keep their word, if they do their best as employees, wives and husbands, friends and neighbors, if they love their children enough to teach them what they’ve learned, I’ll have left a legacy worth passing on. In my book, that’s true success.

 

 

What’s in the Well

08 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Love Your World

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Mama always took us kids with her to buy groceries in the summertime. One particular grocery day, as we got home and unloaded all the bags, Mama realized she hadn’t paid. She hadn’t done it on purpose. The cashier never asked, so Mama hadn’t given her the money.

She could have kept that to herself, you know. Daddy was a telephone man and there were mouths to feed. She could surely have used the money, and no one would have been the wiser. There was no surveillance camera. There wouldn’t have been a Crime Stoppers ad taken out in the paper, or a Facebook post saying, “Do you know this woman and these children?”

But that wasn’t who she was. Without hesitation, she piled us all back in the car and we drove right back to Food Town on Randleman Road. We followed her inside, and Mama found the same cashier and said, “I’m so sorry. I forgot to pay for my groceries. Here is the receipt, and here’s the money.” I remember how Mama didn’t try to blame the girl. She took the responsibility on herself, and treated her with kindness and respect.

The girl immediately burst into tears and said, “I would have been fired. This is more money than I make in a week and I couldn’t have paid it back. I can’t thank you enough.” Mama patted her hand and said, “Oh now, don’t you cry. It was the right thing to do.” And with that, we went back home.

Honestly, she didn’t do it to teach us anything, even though it surely taught me a huge lesson. She didn’t even really discuss it with us. There was no speech on the way to Food Town: “Now you young’uns watch while I do a good deed here. Let’s see if the manager will give me some sort of reward.” She never even told the manager. She did it because who she was inside was reflected in her behavior.

So many times throughout Scripture, the relationship between the heart and behavior is addressed. Who we really are, what we think and feel, comes out in how we act and how we treat others.

At first glance, what Jesus says in Matthew 5 can be a bit confusing.

27 You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

and

21 You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather someone be mad at me than murder me, and I’d rather my husband commit adultery in his heart than have a physical affair! You probably would too. However, there’s more to it than just our behavior. Jesus wants to change us from the inside out. 

When we take a careful look at what He’s saying, we get the deeper meaning. He’s trying to teach us where murder and adultery starts — in the heart and mind. And He doesn’t just mean murder and adultery, but every other mean and terrible thing we can do to people. He might as well have said,

If you are greedy and selfish in your heart, you have already stolen a buggy full of groceries from Food Town.

Maybe you’re thinking you wouldn’t steal a buggy full of groceries and get a cashier fired, but there are other things in our hearts that cause us to hurt people. We say mean and hurtful things, and we do it because that’s what we’re thinking. Oh we try to excuse it with, “I didn’t mean that,” but most of the time what we mean is, “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Here in the South, we try to soften it with, “Bless her heart” so it doesn’t sound so harsh. We can say anything in the world as long as we tack that phrase on the end. “Her buck teeth are so bad she can eat corn through a chain link fence . . .  bless her heart.” See how that works? We can say we’re “kidding”, but I guaran-daggone-tee the girl in question is in dire need of orthodontic work, and she knows it.

Until your heart is changed, your behavior won’t change. Not for long anyway. You can try to keep it hidden, push it down, cover it up, and white knuckle your way through behavior modification. If you’re mean spirited, everyone around you knows it. Here is why, and you can quote me on this,

What’s in the well comes up in the bucket. 

Every. Single. Time. You might can fake it for a while, but who a person really is eventually comes out. Just give it some time.

We can all be that person like Mama — the one who does the right thing even if no one is looking. We can be kind to people, not out of effort, but because it’s natural. Thankfully we don’t have to do it alone. We have some Help. We can take our cold, selfish hearts and turn them over to a God who is in the heart changing business. He tells us in Ezekiel 36,

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

He will do it because He doesn’t want to just change your behavior. He wants to change you on the inside. He wants what’s in the well to be so much love, that when it comes up in the bucket, it will overflow to everyone around you. That’s the only change that will last.